Mind Trails

Did you ever have a bunch of days when everything was ok?
And even if it wasn't great, your mind made it not seem so bad because you

artificially ramped it with a good attitude?
Attitude is everything they say.
I think just as the attitude can be turned up a few notches, it can also drop like a rock.
While it's dropping, it's hard to turn it back up.

After it lands where ever it is going to land, then the work to ramp it back up can begin.
This happens to me-often

I have these days, sometimes they are only moments, when I am beset by panic.
I don't mean panic attacks but panic about life.

My husband is gone and will be for the next 8 months-it wasn't his choice
My daily question is "is he safe?" " will come back?"
And when he comes back, will he still be the same man?

And will we be the same "us?"
Not the ideal way to start a day eh?

My life isn't exactly a real full life.
It's wasn't real full before he left and is even less so now that he is gone.
My daughter and friend are living here but they are gone most of the time.

They are adult kids and are supposed to be out having fun.
Even when they are here they don't talk to me much.

I have a few friends through the military support group. They are some really wonderful

people. Most already have full lives of their own though.Still, they manage to do a lot

for those of us in the group while at the same time taking care of our soldiers.

I have a number of online friends I met through an addiction support group.
They are the greatest of friends and have pulled me through a lot of stuff over

the last 4 years! We have passed a lot of hours together, talking, crying and

laughing or poking fun at ourselves for crying when we could've been laughing or talking.
Unfortunately, they live everywhere but in my state.

There are days when it hits me that I've not made much of a life for myself.

In between the mundane life activities such as work, sleeping, cooking or cleaning, there is this scary nothingness. Then following that, I may not hear from a couple of friends for a few days.
And my husband is away from the phones for awhile so can't call from Iraq.
And my daughter is working or out having fun.
It's just me and the dogs and this messy house.
It also occurs to me I have no clue how to make a life for myself.
That is when I panic.

You would think after going through this type of panic enough times, I would get

serious about taking steps to make a life. An easy enough thing to do at 20 something.

Not as easy at 50. At 20 people are still forging friendship.

At 50 people are deepening the friendships they already have.

At least that is my idea of how things work.
I am a late bloomer.

I really don't know where to start

but I do want that awful panic to go away.